Monday, May 7, 2018


Fear wraps its tentacles around my heart.
Fear of not doing enough...
not being enough...
Even tighter, till my breath is gone
and I cannot move.
It holds me, its captive.
"Fight the deadly serpent,"
part of me insists. "Do not let this evil win."
but the fear is too strong.
"I will never let you go!" it cries.
"When you want to open up,
I'll be there... waiting.
I grow stronger when you falter.
I rejoice in your mistakes.
I will always prevent you
from pursuing your dreams.
I will always oppose you,
you can never defeat me.
For I am you!"
Again it squeezes
to prove its power over me.
I shudder and shrink into myself.
No one else can see this demon... my fear.
"Stop." they tell me. "It's silly to be scared."
I know.
There is nothing, waiting in the shadows.
No dragon lies in wait beyond these walls,
the walls I constructed to protect myself
the walls I refuse to tear down,
immobilized by fear.
I am the only one who can see my demon
the only one who can defeat it.
And that is why, it will always win!

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

losing you

I didn't want to face
losing you...
even though I understood
that nothing lasts
I didn't want to wake
up one day to find
that you were gone,
out of my life
I didn't want to stop
hearing your laugh
or seeing you smile
that sweet
crooked smile.
I didn't want to stop
talking to you
and hearing your
how I miss your advice.
I never thought
about how lonely
my life would be
without you...
until you were gone.
No matter how
long it's been...
I can still hear
your voice,
even though I won't
ever again.
Memories play
like movies in my mind.
The time we spent
I cherish every minute
I took for granted then.
How I wish I could go back.
I knew that it would
happen. I knew that you would go.
I just didn't
want to face it.
I told myself, that I would be okay.
I told myself
you were in a better place.
It would have been
selfish to make you stay.
You were in pain
I know.
I'm sorry for all the things
I did, or didn't do
that made you cry
or lost you sleep at night.
I'm sorry
for when I couldn't be
or wouldn't be
what you needed from me.
I'm sorry, that I never
got to say goodbye.
I was consumed
with the darkness inside
and couldn't shed a tear
even when you died.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

The Game

When someone asks you
"how's your day"
you say:
"Everything's okay."
even when you're lying....
Even when you want to cry
you smile at them
and meet their eyes.
You never, ever, ever say
"I need a hug,
I need a friend."
or: "The pain I feel's
too much to bear.
I could give up,
I'm almost there."
They smile and nod
and say the same.
It's all a part
of this little game.
They don't tell you:
"My dad's in jail
and I don't think
we'll afford the bail.
My house is messy,
my job's a bust but
I keep going, because I must."
And you never know
just what's inside,
just what that painted
on smile can hide
even though you do the same.

Thursday, September 29, 2016


The eldest is dutiful and diligent, eager to share
knowledge with sisters who do not care
for books without pictures, or stories without flair.
The middle, rambunctious and wild.
The starved for affection child,
who knows not all attention is good
and still does what she should
not. The youngest who thinks she's the boss,
because mom is tired and a loss is easier than a fight.
Easier than struggling each night.
All three compete for a mother's
love, each trying to outdo one another.
They argue, they cry and they fret you see
and yet, they are sisters, and sisters they'll always be.

Monday, August 15, 2016


crying on the inside,
dying on the inside
Every day a battle.
for my.
Every night a struggle.
will this.
Too much pain around me.
the pain.
I see.
I feel.
If only I could help them.
I want.
my hands.
to heal.
For all the good it does me,
I bow.
my head.
to pray.
But there is no answer.
No one's.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Cruel Life

Time goes on, as if it didn't know
For me it's still. If not, it's moving slow.
All these smiles, they stab me like a knife
and no one knows -- how cruel is this life.
I have no grave to visit, nor ashes to spread.
I don't even know how long you've been dead.
Can I choose to say it isn't so
Can I block it out, as if I didn't know?
If I could hold a paper in my hand,
would I accept it then, would I understand?
How did I let the years go by --
without picking up the phone just to say hi?
Now simply because I didn't try
I'll never even get to say goodbye.
Do I even have the right to grieve?
Am I allowed redemption or reprieve?
Always too busy with my life to hear
Always too tired, too stressed to lend an ear.
The earth still spins and we have dawn
even without you -- cruel life marches on.

Friday, April 1, 2016

Garden Rose

Pressed between two pages, in a book upon a shelf.
He seeks to hide your beauty, and keep it to himself.
He plucked you from your garden, from everything you knew.
He trimmed away the childhood friends, along whose sides you grew.
He showered you with kindness, and fertilized your hope...
before he banished you to darkness, with which you couldn't cope.

He knows that you will wither, he knows that you will die.
He knows that you cannot escape, because you'll never try.
He's warned you of the dangers, that in the world await
if ever you decide to roam, beyond his garden gate.

You had thorns to protect you, but he wore a glove.
He said you didn't need them, because you had his love.
He'll let you live in misery, then put you on display
He thinks that he's a potter, and you're a piece of clay.

You envy things that aren't alive, because they cannot feel.
Think maybe it's a nightmare, that none of it is real.
You try hard to remember, your lovely garden home
but he chips away your memories, so that you'll never roam.

He doesn't see your true worth, and he ignores your pain.
And even though you're not dead yet, you might as well be slain.